So, my dad died on the tenth of the month. And I feel like my family ties are all snapping. It's not that any of my family has turned there back on me, in fact it's the opposite everyone is calling me to find out how I'm doing, but none of them really want to know. Aunts, cousins, mother, they all call and ask how I am and then go into how they are when I say I'm okay. And in all honesty I can't blame them I have always been the one who tries to make others feel better, so i do my best to comfort them and i feel like i have nothing left for myself.
I lost the only man and really the only person in the world who has known every bad choice and decision I have ever made and always accepted me for who I was 100%.
-My mother, I can't remember a single conversation that I have ever had with her that she hasn't tried to change me. My hair, my weight, my political views, my opinions on life, she's always more concerned with what other people will think than with what I care about. Even in the midst of our pain she cannot have a conversation with me without telling me something I need to change. I know she loves me, but I just wish she could accept me like I do her, I may not agree with everything she does, but I acknowledge that its her life and only she can live it.
-My sisters, I love them both more than I can explain. My whole life all I ever wanted was for them to include me, but by the time I came along they had already been playmates for several years to them I was always just a bratty kid sister who followed them around, which in honesty was probably really annoying. The thing is though that we are all just very different individuals, we all had different interests, we all belonged to different cliques in school. As much as I respect both of them we just don't have much in common & never really have. We have never ever confided in one another, so it would just be unbearably awkward now if i called them out of the blue to bare my soul I'm sure.
My father never once told me I needed to lose weight, he just always told me I was beautiful when I was at my heaviest or my thinnest. I was always a bit adventurous with my haircuts, but unlike the others he never told me he didn't like one of them unless I said it first, and then he would just remind me that it would grow back. I was in chorus, I took guitar lessons, I went to a preforming arts school when I was in a ton of plays & musicals, I was in the hand bell choir, mock trial, varsity volleyball, foreign language club, and various other things... He never questions a single one of them. He may not have understood the draw of them all or even most of them, but if I loved it he would throw himself behind it. He never missed one of my functions, my games, my concerts, or my plays. Even if he had to drive a few hours to get there or leave work early. He ran concession stands at my volleyball games and spent countless Saturdays at tournaments or driving me to the other side of the state for choir All-State auditions with the radio off so that I could practice my song selections.
One day he drove 45 minutes from one Wal-Mart to another in a different town because I needed something for a school project & I had seen my recently ex-boyfriend walking in the store with his new girlfriend, and he didn't lecture me about it at all, he never even said a word about it, even on the drive.
He taught me to drive, he taught me to use power tools because I was always more fascinated with tools than say shopping with my mom like my sisters were. When i beat every boy in my 7th grade class at arm wrestling he didn't get mad and tell me not to do that because it was un-lady like, like my mom did, he patted me on the back and said, "that's my girl," with a huge smile on his face. He may not have understood why i did the things I did anymore than the rest of my family, but he never tried to stop me. He always told me to just give it my all and he would be proud. And he was. I always fit in with him. Even if he didn't understand why i would want to do something, he never told me not to try, he never asked if, "I knew what people would think?" about something. And now that he's gone I feel like I don't fit in with the rest of my immediate family. Why put up with talking to my mom now when I know that she will only insult me at some point in our conversation & then try to make me into the bad guy when I disagree with her? Why even try to call my sisters when I am always the one who has to contact them? I feel like I'm still 8 years old trying to get them to play with me while they are locking me out of their rooms. It's like he was the glue that bound us together and now that he's gone we can't find a way to stay connected.
I don't know how to get through this. I hate when people say they are sorry, because I never know what to say back... and I just feel uncomfortable. My dad taught me everything, to help the less fortunate, to look out for those who can't look out for themselves, he taught me how to read, how to drive, how to tie my own shoe laces, to always do my best because then you'll never have a reason to wonder if you could have done better. He was a big man with an even bigger heart & in the end he had just given so much of his heart to everything he did that it just wasn't strong enough to keep going. I remember being a little girl and him hoisting me up on top of his shoulders. My dad was 6'6" tall and I felt like I could see everything from atop his shoulders, everything in the world. And that's what my dad gave me, the world. There was nothing I couldn't tell my daddy, their was nothing that my daddy couldn't protect me from. I was always safe as long as my daddy was watching over me, and now I just have to have faith that he still is watching over me, only from a little further away now.
people say that you are never prepared to lose a loved one, and that's very true. but what I was really really not prepared for was how "back to normal" everything would be so quickly. My life goes on just like it did before and sometimes in all this normalcy I forget that everything isn't just like it was. I think of something funny I want to tell my dad, or of something i should ask him (because he always has the answer), and I'll almost call him. I'll pull out my phone and even hit his speed dial key sometimes before I remember. Those days are the hardest, because it's like it just happened again all over.
I was lucky enough to be there with him when it happened, to spend his last 2 weeks on this earth with him. He knew I loved him and I knew he loved me. There was nothing really unresolved about my father's death in the way you hear people say that they wish they had said something or the other before it was too late. I guess in that since I really am lucky. For the fact that I had such an amazing father whom I was blessed to have 27.5 years with I am exceedingly lucky. I know that it's selfish and that in having him as my daddy I was so much luckier that so many other people, but I miss him. Everyday I miss him.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
The soundtrack of my life
So... okay, I'm gonna make a Michael Jackson Blog... I know ... I know... it's the "trendy" thing to do now but I really feel like I should get this out there because it's what I'm feeling today......
My parents tried very hard not to let me listen to anything that they found "objectionable" in the music world. This meant that as a child (born in 1982) my mother listened to country music and forced me to do the same, she didn't like any other forms of music. My father listened to 'oldies' and so I was also inundated with music from the 50s, 60s, and 70s. But try as they might they weren't able to shield me & I am glad of it. Through my childhood in the mid to late 80s and the 90s I couldn't help but hear new music. It was everywhere, the mall, school, my 2 older sisters, my friends, etc...
And so from the background music of my early childhood to the development of my own personal tastes in music grew the first part of the soundtrack of my life. During that time you would have had to live in a cave to NOT know who Michael Jackson was. Even though I was too young to really appreciate his music for more than a catchy beat I knew he was something big. While my parents found some of his lyrics perverse and didn't like his style of music, I loved it. I loved Michael Jackson as much as the Tom Petty tapes I stole from my sister and the Aerosmith tape that my friend made for me. I was too young to really grasp what the lyrics of say... Billie Jean or Dirty Diana meant but it didn't matter. I just loved the music and I would sing along with the best of them. My parents didn't let me watch MTV of VH1 I had never seen a music video until I was in the 5th grade and my best friend Brandy's older brother couldn't believe that I hadn't seen one and played a VHS tape of Thriller for me that he had recorded from MTV. MJ's Thriller was the first music video I ever saw and to this day I haven't seen one half as good since.
When Black Or White came out it was instantly my favorite song in the world replacing Ice Ice Baby (my musical tastes have come a long way since then, but we all know you probably liked it then too even if you won't admit it now!) much to my mother's dismay. I was raised in an all white deep south family and while in most respects I wouldn't call my parents racist they certainly were when it came to relationships. It's strange that until that song came out when I was 9 I had never even thought about interracial relationships. Relationships in general hadn't been at the top of my priority list back then, not so much as worrying over if it was pizza day in the cafeteria or if recess would get rained out. After singing this song at the top of my lungs several times though it did incite my parents into talking about interracial relationships with me and how they did not approve... In retrospect I suppose it's quite funny that I think Michael Jackson would certainly be more accepting of all the men I dated throughout my life before I was married than my own parents. My mother used to worry about me because I wasn't "ladylike enough"she though since I wasn't interested in dating like my 2 older sisters had been. The truth though is that my parents just didn't know about my boyfriends. As far as they knew I didn't start dating until the later part of my 18th year, though my first real boyfriend was a Chinese immigrant a few weeks before I turned 17. I went off on this side note because in my own life MJ's music was what incited my first debate with my mother on the matter. If it hadn't been for his song, the same discussions may have come later or they may not have perhaps without that song I would have ended up brainwashed by my own mother on the topic... I just don't know. What I do know is that I wish I could thank him for offering a different (and more in line with my own) opinion to consider.
Later in life as his hits slowed down and he faded to the background of my musical tastes. The media vilified him or made him into a crazy person & it was no longer 'cool' to like him. I'll admit when my friends made fun of him when I was in high school I joined in, that's not to say that I am not ashamed of it now, but I did. It was the thing to do, everyone jumped on the bandwagon making someone else look or feel bad made you look better by comparison I suppose. Kids are cruel. But as an adult I never decided what to believe about him. Yes he was strange, but aren't we all at least a little in our own ways? And can you really blame him when you think about it? He had been one of the biggest stars in the world since he was a very small child, he wasn't even allowed to go to school with kids his own age, so is it really surprising that growing up with an abusive and controlling father more concerned with money than with the welfare of his own children and having no interaction with people his own age until he was an adult, that he never really learned what it meant to be a "normal" kid or adult? the following are the points about him that people have made fun of the most (I included unfortunately when I was a kid) & why I think we should give him a break. Why I think the media should stop this circus surrounding his death and let him be laid to rest with a little dignity and respect.
1- He "bleached" his skin -
okay peeps, the man had a disease called Vitiligo. Those of you who don't believe it here is a good video someone put up on YouTube it shows his skin becoming more & more blotchy even under all the pancake make-up he wore to try and hide it.
and according to several sites on the matter the most common treatment people with this disease chose is depigmentation. An excerpt from Wikipedia - "some people with vitiligo opt for chemical depigmentation, which uses 20% monobenzone (monobenzylether of hydroquinone). This process is irreversible and generally ends up with complete or mostly complete depigmentation."
I personally can't fault him for that. Look at the pictures of untreated people near the end of the video and tell me you wouldn't want to even out your skin tone if that was your only really proven method? I would do it too.
2 - He is a germaphobe-
Yes he was and with a very good reason, better than most germaphobes. The man had Lupus as well as Virtiligo. Though his Lupis was in remission, there is no cure for it and it is an autoimmune disease. Again, I would probably wear a surgical mask out when I came in contact with other people too if I had a life threatening autoimmune disease... He did the same thing I would have done in that circumstance so I cannot fault him for that either.
3 - He was eccentric. He had exotic pets and spent more $ than he had -
He was a multimillionaire and one of the most famous people on the planet. I don't know that I wouldn't go overboard myself given the opportunity and that amount of money... But from 1985 to 1990, Jackson donated $500,000 to the United Negro College Fund, and all of the profits from his single "Man in the Mirror" went to charity. He has given more to charity that any other single person in history. Some people say he was trying to repent, some say he was just a good person though I never knew him personally I think I want to believe the later.
4 - He forced his children to wear masks in public -
Yeah, so what! He knows what it's like first hand to have your life documented and hounded by the press from the time you were a small child and also ruined my the media. Who would have looked twice at those 3 kids walking down the street without their father? No one, because no one knew what they looked like. And I applaud him for that, while no child of Michael Jackson's would ever have a normal childhood, he tried to give them some anonymity and what little protection from the press that he could. Insuring that they had a little bit better chance of a normal life than he had. Kudos to him!
5 - His plastic surgery made him look alien -
Yeah, he got a bad couple of nose jobs, and the cleft chin wasn't his best idea... but who cares? How many other celebrities and everyday Joes for that fact get rhinoplasty every flipin' day? The man was a musical genius... so what if he wasn't as cute as he once was. Which of us is as cute as we once were? And on the same subject, his father had made fun of him calling him big nose since he was born, when you don't get to be around regular people or even go to school, but you are around your own father everyday and he is the one making fun of you for as long as you can remember.... well that would have to take it's toll on anyone... And according to people close to him he also worried about his high voice and wanted to appear more masculine... hence the cleft in his chin...In his book he even admitted to getting the cleft put in his chin to look more masculine. What can I say... sometimes plastic surgery goes wrong.... I sincerely doubt that he chose to look like that and even if he did, that was his prerogative....
6 - I saved this one til the end because it is the tough one - he was a child molester -
While I abhor child molesters and personally think that they should all be castrated, there is no real proof that he was one. Yes he liked hanging out with kids, but he was denied that as a child himself. Maybe he was just trying to relive what all he missed out on... like I said no doubt that he was a little strange, but I don't think he was a child molester and I'll tell you why - Lisa Marie Presley came out and said he wasn't and that he had never done anything inappropriate in the 2 years that they lived together. I can tell you I have seen first hand that there is no fury like that of an ex-wife to get even and she had nothing to lose by staying quiet, but she chose to step up. Every person who actually knew him and was close to him volunteered to testify that he never did anything in appropriate with children. Not one single person who actually knew him said anything but wonderful things about him and his character. If it were true I think that someone would have found a way to prove it and make a quick buck selling it to the media by now. He was NEVER convicted of anything even when it went all the way to court & the parents were WAY more questionable in there judgment than MJ. I think they were just out for money. Yeah, he settled some things out of court for a lot of money, but if he had gone to court it would have been a media circus just like it was when it did and public opinion convicted him even though there wasn't any evidence and a judge didn't. I can't say what did or didn't happen and I chose to try and believe the best in people until proven otherwise, and no one on this planet has been able to prove anything of that sort.
So good bye to the man who made me think to question my parents closed minded views, the man who gave me the Thriller to dance to in 7th grade dance team for Halloween, the man who enabled my fist rebellion at a young age by simply singing his music when I wasn't supposed to know it, Good bye to the man who at least in a small way helped to constitute so many of my cherished childhood memories..... goodbye to that little piece of my childhood that died with him forcing me that much further into the world of adulthood....
Rest In Piece Michael Joseph Jackson.
My parents tried very hard not to let me listen to anything that they found "objectionable" in the music world. This meant that as a child (born in 1982) my mother listened to country music and forced me to do the same, she didn't like any other forms of music. My father listened to 'oldies' and so I was also inundated with music from the 50s, 60s, and 70s. But try as they might they weren't able to shield me & I am glad of it. Through my childhood in the mid to late 80s and the 90s I couldn't help but hear new music. It was everywhere, the mall, school, my 2 older sisters, my friends, etc...
And so from the background music of my early childhood to the development of my own personal tastes in music grew the first part of the soundtrack of my life. During that time you would have had to live in a cave to NOT know who Michael Jackson was. Even though I was too young to really appreciate his music for more than a catchy beat I knew he was something big. While my parents found some of his lyrics perverse and didn't like his style of music, I loved it. I loved Michael Jackson as much as the Tom Petty tapes I stole from my sister and the Aerosmith tape that my friend made for me. I was too young to really grasp what the lyrics of say... Billie Jean or Dirty Diana meant but it didn't matter. I just loved the music and I would sing along with the best of them. My parents didn't let me watch MTV of VH1 I had never seen a music video until I was in the 5th grade and my best friend Brandy's older brother couldn't believe that I hadn't seen one and played a VHS tape of Thriller for me that he had recorded from MTV. MJ's Thriller was the first music video I ever saw and to this day I haven't seen one half as good since.
When Black Or White came out it was instantly my favorite song in the world replacing Ice Ice Baby (my musical tastes have come a long way since then, but we all know you probably liked it then too even if you won't admit it now!) much to my mother's dismay. I was raised in an all white deep south family and while in most respects I wouldn't call my parents racist they certainly were when it came to relationships. It's strange that until that song came out when I was 9 I had never even thought about interracial relationships. Relationships in general hadn't been at the top of my priority list back then, not so much as worrying over if it was pizza day in the cafeteria or if recess would get rained out. After singing this song at the top of my lungs several times though it did incite my parents into talking about interracial relationships with me and how they did not approve... In retrospect I suppose it's quite funny that I think Michael Jackson would certainly be more accepting of all the men I dated throughout my life before I was married than my own parents. My mother used to worry about me because I wasn't "ladylike enough"she though since I wasn't interested in dating like my 2 older sisters had been. The truth though is that my parents just didn't know about my boyfriends. As far as they knew I didn't start dating until the later part of my 18th year, though my first real boyfriend was a Chinese immigrant a few weeks before I turned 17. I went off on this side note because in my own life MJ's music was what incited my first debate with my mother on the matter. If it hadn't been for his song, the same discussions may have come later or they may not have perhaps without that song I would have ended up brainwashed by my own mother on the topic... I just don't know. What I do know is that I wish I could thank him for offering a different (and more in line with my own) opinion to consider.
Later in life as his hits slowed down and he faded to the background of my musical tastes. The media vilified him or made him into a crazy person & it was no longer 'cool' to like him. I'll admit when my friends made fun of him when I was in high school I joined in, that's not to say that I am not ashamed of it now, but I did. It was the thing to do, everyone jumped on the bandwagon making someone else look or feel bad made you look better by comparison I suppose. Kids are cruel. But as an adult I never decided what to believe about him. Yes he was strange, but aren't we all at least a little in our own ways? And can you really blame him when you think about it? He had been one of the biggest stars in the world since he was a very small child, he wasn't even allowed to go to school with kids his own age, so is it really surprising that growing up with an abusive and controlling father more concerned with money than with the welfare of his own children and having no interaction with people his own age until he was an adult, that he never really learned what it meant to be a "normal" kid or adult? the following are the points about him that people have made fun of the most (I included unfortunately when I was a kid) & why I think we should give him a break. Why I think the media should stop this circus surrounding his death and let him be laid to rest with a little dignity and respect.
1- He "bleached" his skin -
okay peeps, the man had a disease called Vitiligo. Those of you who don't believe it here is a good video someone put up on YouTube it shows his skin becoming more & more blotchy even under all the pancake make-up he wore to try and hide it.
and according to several sites on the matter the most common treatment people with this disease chose is depigmentation. An excerpt from Wikipedia - "some people with vitiligo opt for chemical depigmentation, which uses 20% monobenzone (monobenzylether of hydroquinone). This process is irreversible and generally ends up with complete or mostly complete depigmentation."
I personally can't fault him for that. Look at the pictures of untreated people near the end of the video and tell me you wouldn't want to even out your skin tone if that was your only really proven method? I would do it too.
2 - He is a germaphobe-
Yes he was and with a very good reason, better than most germaphobes. The man had Lupus as well as Virtiligo. Though his Lupis was in remission, there is no cure for it and it is an autoimmune disease. Again, I would probably wear a surgical mask out when I came in contact with other people too if I had a life threatening autoimmune disease... He did the same thing I would have done in that circumstance so I cannot fault him for that either.
3 - He was eccentric. He had exotic pets and spent more $ than he had -
He was a multimillionaire and one of the most famous people on the planet. I don't know that I wouldn't go overboard myself given the opportunity and that amount of money... But from 1985 to 1990, Jackson donated $500,000 to the United Negro College Fund, and all of the profits from his single "Man in the Mirror" went to charity. He has given more to charity that any other single person in history. Some people say he was trying to repent, some say he was just a good person though I never knew him personally I think I want to believe the later.
4 - He forced his children to wear masks in public -
Yeah, so what! He knows what it's like first hand to have your life documented and hounded by the press from the time you were a small child and also ruined my the media. Who would have looked twice at those 3 kids walking down the street without their father? No one, because no one knew what they looked like. And I applaud him for that, while no child of Michael Jackson's would ever have a normal childhood, he tried to give them some anonymity and what little protection from the press that he could. Insuring that they had a little bit better chance of a normal life than he had. Kudos to him!
5 - His plastic surgery made him look alien -
Yeah, he got a bad couple of nose jobs, and the cleft chin wasn't his best idea... but who cares? How many other celebrities and everyday Joes for that fact get rhinoplasty every flipin' day? The man was a musical genius... so what if he wasn't as cute as he once was. Which of us is as cute as we once were? And on the same subject, his father had made fun of him calling him big nose since he was born, when you don't get to be around regular people or even go to school, but you are around your own father everyday and he is the one making fun of you for as long as you can remember.... well that would have to take it's toll on anyone... And according to people close to him he also worried about his high voice and wanted to appear more masculine... hence the cleft in his chin...In his book he even admitted to getting the cleft put in his chin to look more masculine. What can I say... sometimes plastic surgery goes wrong.... I sincerely doubt that he chose to look like that and even if he did, that was his prerogative....
6 - I saved this one til the end because it is the tough one - he was a child molester -
While I abhor child molesters and personally think that they should all be castrated, there is no real proof that he was one. Yes he liked hanging out with kids, but he was denied that as a child himself. Maybe he was just trying to relive what all he missed out on... like I said no doubt that he was a little strange, but I don't think he was a child molester and I'll tell you why - Lisa Marie Presley came out and said he wasn't and that he had never done anything inappropriate in the 2 years that they lived together. I can tell you I have seen first hand that there is no fury like that of an ex-wife to get even and she had nothing to lose by staying quiet, but she chose to step up. Every person who actually knew him and was close to him volunteered to testify that he never did anything in appropriate with children. Not one single person who actually knew him said anything but wonderful things about him and his character. If it were true I think that someone would have found a way to prove it and make a quick buck selling it to the media by now. He was NEVER convicted of anything even when it went all the way to court & the parents were WAY more questionable in there judgment than MJ. I think they were just out for money. Yeah, he settled some things out of court for a lot of money, but if he had gone to court it would have been a media circus just like it was when it did and public opinion convicted him even though there wasn't any evidence and a judge didn't. I can't say what did or didn't happen and I chose to try and believe the best in people until proven otherwise, and no one on this planet has been able to prove anything of that sort.
So good bye to the man who made me think to question my parents closed minded views, the man who gave me the Thriller to dance to in 7th grade dance team for Halloween, the man who enabled my fist rebellion at a young age by simply singing his music when I wasn't supposed to know it, Good bye to the man who at least in a small way helped to constitute so many of my cherished childhood memories..... goodbye to that little piece of my childhood that died with him forcing me that much further into the world of adulthood....
Rest In Piece Michael Joseph Jackson.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Showtime
Okay.... So I have an addiction!!!! My hubby has even threatened to call the show Intervention if I can't stop.... what am I addicted to you ask?????? in a word
BOOKS
I know sounds innocent enough right? but it really is true (even if I won't admit it to him) I have had this affliction since I was a small child... once I start a good book I just can't put it down. I'll stay up all night reading sometimes completely oblivious until the alarm goes off and I am taken off guard. I have just ordered a new series of fiction novels and I finished the 7 books in under 4 days... no kidding...
The thing is, as annoyed as my hubby gets, is it really that bed of a habit? Yes I admit after 4 days of sleep deprivation I am barely functioning at work today and am chugging energy drinks like a MoFo, but aren't there worse addictions out there??????? And no I'm not even talking about drugs of any sort!
Take my husband for example, as he is the main complainant in this tale, He is totally addicted to video games. He will play for hours and hours completely oblivious to the world around him. And yet it annoys him when I don't pay him attention so that I can read instead!
So what I read too much.... I don't personally think that's the worst vice I could have!! :-D
BOOKS
I know sounds innocent enough right? but it really is true (even if I won't admit it to him) I have had this affliction since I was a small child... once I start a good book I just can't put it down. I'll stay up all night reading sometimes completely oblivious until the alarm goes off and I am taken off guard. I have just ordered a new series of fiction novels and I finished the 7 books in under 4 days... no kidding...
The thing is, as annoyed as my hubby gets, is it really that bed of a habit? Yes I admit after 4 days of sleep deprivation I am barely functioning at work today and am chugging energy drinks like a MoFo, but aren't there worse addictions out there??????? And no I'm not even talking about drugs of any sort!
Take my husband for example, as he is the main complainant in this tale, He is totally addicted to video games. He will play for hours and hours completely oblivious to the world around him. And yet it annoys him when I don't pay him attention so that I can read instead!
So what I read too much.... I don't personally think that's the worst vice I could have!! :-D
Friday, June 5, 2009
So, this is me
well, let's see I have had this account just sitting out there for about 2 years now and never thought I had anything interesting to say. But Here goes.. My name is Denetra (but you can call me Dee) and this is going to be my vent / realizations / boredom eliminating blog... basically whatever I feel like posting, so hold on the ride might get bumpy at times. But here we go......
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